Bravery
by xSeshatx
Summary: {Oneshot} Daryl sees a familiar face while searching the prison for walkers, and he doesn't handle it very well. After talking to him, Rick learns of the abuse him and Merle had suffered at the hands of their father. Maybe Rick can convince Daryl it's okay to be afraid.
Daryl liked to consider himself fearless. Of course that wasn't true; even he knew that everybody was afraid of something, but he was almost certain his fears were different than anybody else's aside from Carol. He wasn't even completely sure of what he was all afraid of. He wasn't afraid of the walkers, though, like everybody else, and everyone knew it. He was cautious around the walking dead, sure, but that's because he wasn't stupid. Those fucking geeks could kill him if he wasn't careful, and even though he didn't fear death he knew staying alive would essentially keep his group alive. How else would they eat without him?

Something else Daryl liked to consider about himself is that he didn't freeze up in tough situations. He either knew how to go about the problem or he would figure out a way. When him, Rick, Glenn, and T-Dog all went back to find his stupid-ass brother who went and go himself handcuffed to that roof and only found his hand, well, he handled that better than anybody else in his position would have. With his emotions running as high as they were he still found a way to track his brother and figure out what exactly his brother did to keep himself alive. He prided himself on things like that. Getting caught up in emotions at the wrong time would surely end in somebody's death. He didn't chance it.

The last thing Daryl really prided himself on besides his skills in hunting and tracking is his ability to put his past behind him. He refused to allow himself to have nightmares because he was a sleep-talker. His brother used to mess with him to no end because of that, and he was called a pussy more than a few times when his brother woke him up from a relatively horrible dream. He was also careful around people because of his tendency to flinch at any physical contact, so he always kept his body still so nobody would wonder. He was more than careful to keep his shirt on and hide any injuries that needed taking care of that were below his clothes. If he needed stitched up he did it himself. Nobody but him needed to know about his scars. Things like that made him able to hide his past from everybody and keep himself from getting too caught up in it.

All three of these things Daryl thought about himself was proven false when he came face-to-face with a walker who looked way too familiar for his liking. What are the fucking odds this one person out of billions in the world would be at the specific prison him and his group found? They were going through the prison to find any stray walkers that might potentially come after them. He turned the corner and saw him. He recognized him right away. It was hard not to considering he thought about that face more than he thought about his own brother. He felt himself taking a step back and lowering his crossbow a little which caught the attention of his group, and Rick found himself lowering his weapon, too. "Daryl?" he said in a questioning tone, putting his hand on his friend's shoulder. He felt the man flinch and remain tense, but he didn't move his hand. "Is something wrong?"

Daryl wasn't even completely aware of where he was anymore. Deep in the back of his mind he knew he was with his group and that he shouldn't be afraid, but the irrational part of his brain told him he was back at home with that man. He wanted to run but he was frozen in place with fear. He supposed it was a good thing to stand still, though, because he'd only get it worse if he tried to run. The man took another step forward and Daryl could see the body of a walker, but the eyes were still that man's. He could picture it so clearly that he wanted to throw up. He tried to get a grip of himself but he was so scared. He needed Merle to come and protect him like he used to when he was just a child. Of course as he grew older Merle left him alone, but before that he didn't hesitate to take a hit for his baby brother. He needed that protection now more than ever.

"Daryl?" Rick tried again, shaking the man's shoulder a little. He looked at the rest of his group in confusion. Hershel looked more than a little concerned even though him and the hunter hadn't really took the initiative to talk too often. Glenn looked lost and conflicted, and when Rick saw him fidgeting with his weapon he knew that he wanted to take the walker out but didn't want to further upset the man. Maggie looked at him with so much sympathy in her eyes, and he knew that she saw what he saw: Daryl knew whoever this walker was. T-Dog looked away with a pained expression and stood with his back towards them while watching for any walkers that might come up from behind them.

Daryl's fear suddenly turned to anger when he finally came to terms that he was in the prison and his father couldn't hurt him again. He saw red. This man was supposed to love and protect him, and he did the exact opposite of that. He beat him and his brother endlessly for most of their childhood lives. Merle had problems with drug abuse, and he was always in and out of juvie. Daryl, on the other hand, was a loner because he was scared to trust people. If he couldn't trust his own father then who could he trust? His father ruined his fucking life. He dropped his bow to the ground and pulled his knife from the sheath before advancing on the remains of his worst nightmare.

Nobody could say how many times Daryl stabbed his knife through the skull of that walker, but when he finally stopped he slid back so he was sitting against the wall and stared silently at the ground. Rick approached him slowly and knelt down in front of him. "Daryl," he said quietly, "are you okay?" The man grunted in response. Rick could see how badly Daryl was shaking and it worried him even more than he already was. "C'mon. We can finish this later. We should get back to the cells. Do you need help up?"

"You go," Daryl's voice said after a long minute of continued silence. Everybody could hear how tense it was, and judging by the way it broke as he spoke he was crying or trying not to. "I think I'm just gonna stay here for a minute. I'll be behind ya in a little."

Rick gently put a hand on Daryl's wrist after the latter brought his hand up to his mouth and started biting on his nails. The sheriff had picked up on the nervous habit within the first few weeks of knowing him. It was the only thing that sort of cracked the 'I'm a hardass so fuck off' attitude he had at first and was part of the reason he started to trust this man. He didn't think he'd be able to trust him because he certainly had the same temper as his brother, and he couldn't exactly blame the man for being angry that his brother got left behind handcuffed on a roof. He always walked around and acted as if he didn't care about anybody or anything, but when he started noticing the nervous habit he realized Daryl was only acting like that. Besides, if the man was going to do anything in retaliation for leaving his brother behind then he would have done it already, and he definitely wouldn't have acted the way he had since. Rick shook his head gently to clear his thoughts and focused instead at the problem at hand. When he grabbed Daryl's wrist, the hunter nearly jumped and he looked at the cop with wide eyes. "I'm not leaving you here alone," he said, deciding against any sappy comment that tried to force its way out of his mouth. "If you wanna stay down here, fine, but I'm staying with you. Is that okay with you?"

It took a moment but Daryl relented and gave a slight nod. "We're gonna head back," Hershel declared, deciding that the scared man would fair better with less of a crowd. Nobody argued or looked like they were even considering it, and soon they were already halfway down the hallway they had just came from. Once their footsteps finally faded away, Rick took a seat next to the man he never thought he'd consider his friend. He knew he could always trust Daryl to do what was right. He had no doubt that the two would eventually disagree on something, but at least he knew Daryl was trying to do the right thing just like he was. Shane was nothing like that and seemed to disagree just to try to get something on him.

"Can you tell me what happened?" Rick asked carefully, keeping his voice soft and slow so he didn't startle his friend. He was worried that Daryl would freak out again except in fear instead of anger. His breaths were coming in faster than Rick felt comfortable with, and he was clenching his teeth rather hard with his eyes squeezed shut and his head resting against the wall. "It's best to talk about it, you know. Did you recognize the walker? Or are you just trying to get used to the small space? I know you'd rather be out in the open." Daryl's habit of avoiding any place that was enclosed or with a lot of people didn't go unnoticed by the sheriff. It was more than a little obvious that Daryl hadn't wanted to go down to search for walkers, but he did it without complaint because he knew it was for the best. When they were camping he wouldn't sit too close to everybody, especially when it was dark, and set up his tent far away from the rest of them. He barely stepped foot in Hershel's house, too. He had a thing for small spaces.

Daryl shook his head slightly after Rick mentioned the possibility that he was just getting claustrophobic. He was able to control that fear without a problem. He avoided it when he could and sucked it up when he couldn't. "That ain't the problem," he mumbled. "I can handle it."

Rick stared at Daryl for a short while as he tried to figure out what was going on. His entire body was trembling and, even though it was cold, he was sweating. His head was tilted down and his eyes were squeezed shut as well as his fists. His fists were clenched so tightly that his knuckles were white, but, at the same time, his entire body was pale. "Daryl," Rick whispered, "who was that?" He didn't need anymore hints that Daryl knew who that walker had been, and there was no telling why he was acting the way that he was. He knew it wasn't Merle. From what he's heard Daryl say there wasn't really anybody else who he cared about. Daryl was very closed off about his life before the apocalypse. All they knew was that he had spent plenty of time in the forest, and he knew better than most how to hunt.

He expected the stubborn attitude of Daryl to come out, and he was right. "It ain't nothin'," he said after a brief moment of hesitation. "I'll be fine to leave in a minute." Rick recognized the attempt to change the subject. He knew that whoever it was it was more than nothing. "You don't gotta stay with me. I don't mind being alone."

"I know you don't," Rick said, laying his head back against the wall. "We all care about you too much to let you stay alone, though. We give you your time cause God knows you need it, but I don't think any of us would be okay with you sitting down here all alone when we know something is wrong. Trying to force me away isn't going to make me leave. I'm sure you know that by now."

Daryl snorted. "You're maybe more stubborn 'an me," he said with a small amount of humor in his voice. "I ain't gonna make ya go. Just sayin' you don't have to stay." Whatever humor was in his voice was gone and it returned to the original hopeless sound he was speaking with. Hopeless and scared.

Maybe if this was anybody else Rick would have wrapped an arm around them and tell them that whatever was bothering them was okay and that they'd get through it, but this was a different situation. Daryl wasn't stupid enough to actually believe everything would be alright, and Rick knew that. He'd probably get angry if somebody said that to him. Well, somebody other than Carol, because everybody knew that they had a small connection. For a small moment Rick considered going to find her to help coax Daryl to talk, but he wasn't about to abandon the man. His brother already did that in Atlanta. He had the opportunity to return to the group but he chose not to. Rick had the choice to sit and talk to Daryl, and he wasn't about to turn his back. "We're all a family here," Rick began, causing Daryl to stiffen up a little, and so Rick paused. He had been a sheriff for a reason. He was able to put things together rather quickly, and he could find clues that other people might overlook because they didn't think it was important. He was able to solve some cases by noticing things, and he noticed the way Daryl tensed up at the mention of a family. "Was that someone from your family?" That would definitely explain his reaction to Rick.

"It ain't nothin'," Daryl said more forcefully. Rick didn't get angry. Anger was a defensive mechanism, and he knew that Daryl often snapped when people tried to pry or tell him what he should do or something of the sort.

Instead of continuing the small interrogation he started, Rick decided to change tactic. "I remember when I woke up in that hospital. I haven't ever been that confused. I remembered what happened before I went into a coma. I had gotten shot while me, Shane, and a few other officers were going after a high speed chase call," he explained, and was slightly relieved when Daryl raised his eyes to look at him as he spoke. "I left the room and saw what I initially thought of as hell. I made it outside and realized inside was nothing compared to the amount of bodies laid across the parking lot. I made it home after passing more than a few dead people who weren't completely dead, and then I made it inside my home and didn't see any sign of Lori or Carl. I never felt pain like I did in that moment. I felt so crushed that I was too late. If only I fought harder to wake up, or maybe if I was paying enough attention so I didn't got shot. But then I saw the pictures missing and I knew they were okay. Sort of bittersweet. I knew they were okay enough to leave, but they weren't with me, and I didn't know if they were still okay. It was terrifying to not know, but it's all I had and I went with it, and I was lucky enough to find my family alive and waiting for me." When he finished speaking, he caught Daryl's eye and saw the man having an internal conflict with himself, so he went on. "All of us: we've all lost something. You saw what happened with Sophia. You see how Carol is doing, and Beth and Maggie; they lost a sister, and Hershel lost a daughter. Everybody is alive despite everything they've been through. Whoever that was, however you feel about them, it's okay to hurt, and you don't need to keep it to yourself. We're all here for you. We're all a family. We care about you."

Daryl finally broke eye contact and let out a shaky laugh. "If only that was the case with me," he said weakly. "Man was my father. Thought for years he was dead. Didn't think I'd see him again. Bastard made life hell for me and Merle. I didn't mean to act the way I did. I froze 's all." Daryl hadn't meant to really say anything, but if he was being honest with himself he didn't exactly try to stop talking. Maybe it would be best to talk about it. He went his whole life with only Merle and their mom knowing about the abuse, but his mom didn't care as much as she should have, and Merle acted like he didn't know.

Rick was taken back by what Daryl said. He hadn't expected the hunter to say anything bad about who it was. He thought this was a man he had loved that he had to kill. He didn't let his shock to be too obvious, though. "What did your dad do?"

"What didn't he do?" Daryl asked with a humorless laugh. "Merle basically raised me. If we needed something we had to get it ourselves. We had to get our own food and clothes and shit. When pa was pissed he'd come after us. Mainly Merle until he left. Then it was me." He put his head in his hands and the shaking got worse. "I'm fucked up, huh? Should be over this by now, but the old bastard still makes scares the shit outta me."

The sheriff was more surprised than he should have been and he knew it. Daryl did show many signs of past child abuse. He absolutely hated any sort of physical contact, and sometimes he would flinch away if someone put their hand on his shoulder or back. He was more withdrawn than what could have been considered normal. His anger issues was off the charts, and he hardly ever slept, and when he did sleep he was up earlier than everybody else. There were other things such as how aware he was of his surroundings that could be classified as a result of child abuse, but it could also just be because he was a hunter. Rick took a moment to process what Daryl had said before he spoke again. "There's nothing wrong or weak with being afraid," he said softly. "There's nothing wrong with still being scared of something that used to scare you, either."

"I should be more scared of the walkers, but those don't even phase me," he said with a slight whimper in his voice. "All I dream 'bout is him. I think I hear and see him all day long. I still feel it." His voice cracked really badly and he curled his body into himself while his body shook with sobs. "I can't believe I really froze. It was like I endured all those years for nothin' if I still can't stand up to him. Merle tried so hard to get me to move on. He tried to toughen me up, and he tried to teach me to have a backbone, and I did, but I still can't stand up to that piece of shit, and he wasn't even ALIVE."

Rick couldn't help himself from wrapping an arm around his crying friend despite knowing how much he hated being touched, but to his surprise the man only leaned against him. He was crying but he kept the majority of the sounds from escaping his lips. "Hey," Rick whispered gently, "he's gone now. There's no way he can get to you. You handled it even though you were scared. You ended it, and I'm sure Merle would be proud of you if he were here with you just like I am, and I'm sure everybody else would be if they knew. You were scared, you froze, and you still were strong enough to fight back. That's saying a lot."

His words seemed to make a small impact on the hunter because the shaking calmed down a little bit. "I'm still s'pposed to be braver 'an 'at," he mumbled, lifting his face and wiping his nose with the back of his hand.

"I think bravery is doing something even if it scares you," Rick said, making Daryl look at him. "My whole life people looked at me and just thought I was fearless because I was always putting myself in dangerous situations. I'd jump between two people in a fight in school. I'd be the first person to volunteer to go after a dangerous subject as a cop. I took charge of a group when there are zombies up and walking. Do you think I'm not scared? Everyday I'm terrified. I'm scared something'll happen and leave you guys - my family - alone, or maybe I'll busy with one thing just to find out you guys were overrun with walkers. There are plenty of things for me to be scared of. Bravery isn't being fearless; it's being scared but doing it anyways. That walker - your father - scared you, but you approached it and killed it anyways. That's bravery."

Daryl gave a small smirk. "Merle always said I was bein' a pussy," he said, eyes lighting up a little which made Rick smile. Daryl was slowly starting to calm down. "I always believed him."

"I think Merle was trying in his own way to help you out," Rick offered. Daryl stared at him for a minute and then nodded. "I don't know much about him, but it seems like you two were close."

Daryl's smirk turned into smile, one that looked almost genuine to Rick. "We were as close as could get even though Merle tried to deny it," he said fondly. "We fought more than anyone else I know, but we had each other's back. It was always me an' him until he left home. Then he came back when I moved out an' it was me an' him again. He tried to get me to be more like 'im. Guess it never worked out. Still a bit of a pussy." Rick would have told him he was nothing like that, but the way Daryl said it made it sound like he was kidding, and he didn't mind it. So Rick let it go.

"You okay enough to get back to the group now?" Rick asked, removing his arm from Daryl's shoulders. "I'm sure they're worried by now."

"Yeah, let's head back," Daryl said and the two of them stood. After Rick picked up Daryl's bow and handed to him, Daryl hesitated. "Hey, uh... you ain't gonna tell the others about all that are ya? I mean, I'm sure everyone already told the rest 'bout how I froze an' then went crazy on him, but..."

Rick put his hand up to stop his friend. "I won't say a word without your say-so. Though I must tell you that I doubt the others will drop it without asking you about it a lot," he said, giving him a sorry smile. "I'll tell them to leave you alone about it, and hopefully they listen."

Daryl gave him a grateful smile and threw his body around his shoulder so it rested on his back. He felt a sharp pain from a belt when the object hit his back, but like he did every time, he pretended it didn't happen. He had a feeling that it was going to gradually get better, though. "Thanks, Rick," he said quietly, avoiding the other man's eyes. "I 'preciate all this."

Rick simply put a hand on Daryl's shoulder and grinned when he didn't flinch. "Let's head back."


End file.
